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Right. I’m glad you’re here, because I want to ask you a question.
Why are we women so hard on ourselves? I say “we” because I admit that I have the tendency to be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too hard on myself and from what I have observed of the wonderful women in my life - I know that I’m not alone.
I mention all this because earlier today, I was thinking about an article I read in Femail magazine. Professor Kristen Neff explored why women are often super self-critical, unable to take compliments and far too focused on their own failings. Sound familiar? If we women truly are the gentler sex, then why are we not more gentle on ourselves when we don't manage to cross off every task on our things-to-do list.
Prof Kristin Neff said: “The message we receive from the larger culture is loud and clear: other people are more important than yourself. You should be generous and forgiving towards others but punish yourself mercifully when you get it wrong.” The thought of women punishing themselves mercifully sounds rather vicious. The problem is that this tendency to be way too hard on ourselves is subtle; you’re probably unaware that you’re doing it. It’s always harder to break a bad habit that you’re unconscious of, right?
Often, I’ll be chatting away to a girlfriend, unknowingly beating myself up about some unrealistic or self-imposed expectation that I failed to meet when she’ll utter: “Selena, you’re human” or “Selena, you’re being way too hard on yourself”. But doesn’t it just feel grim when you get it wrong, miss the mark or when you let someone you love down. Or worst of all, let yourself down. Don’t ya just hate it!
Being punished or disapproved of for getting it wrong is wired into our belief system from an early age. Are we just picking up from where our parents and teachers left off? Did the punishment we received as little girls leave us devoid of self-love and patience for ourselves? I once challenged a young female writer who was giving herself a thumping about her blog not being “excellent enough”. “Why are you being so hard on yourself?” I enquired. She replied: “I am an over-achiever, which means that if I’m not beating myself up about my writing, it will just be something else”. Her response unnerved me because whose standard was she measuring herself against, and is this standard even achievable? Maybe it’s time to exchange this tendency to be way too hard with a little more self-love and compassion. Maybe, it really is time to stop being so hard on ourselves. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live under the evil regime of unachievable standards or unrealistic expectations of myself and give myself a beating when I fail to meet the grade.
It's hardly the end of the world if I don't manage to cross off every task on my things-to-do list, or eat the recommended five-a-day of fruit and veg.
In an interview this week for The Sunday Times Style magazine, Sarah Jessica Parker said: "Things-to-do lists don’t work for humans, we are more complicated than that." She has a point about us being complicated but I love writing lists. I mean, they do work for some humans, don't they?
I mention all this because earlier today, I was thinking about an article I read in Femail magazine. Professor Kristen Neff explored why women are often super self-critical, unable to take compliments and far too focused on their own failings. Sound familiar? If we women truly are the gentler sex, then why are we not more gentle on ourselves when we don't manage to cross off every task on our things-to-do list.
Prof Kristin Neff said: “The message we receive from the larger culture is loud and clear: other people are more important than yourself. You should be generous and forgiving towards others but punish yourself mercifully when you get it wrong.” The thought of women punishing themselves mercifully sounds rather vicious. The problem is that this tendency to be way too hard on ourselves is subtle; you’re probably unaware that you’re doing it. It’s always harder to break a bad habit that you’re unconscious of, right?
Often, I’ll be chatting away to a girlfriend, unknowingly beating myself up about some unrealistic or self-imposed expectation that I failed to meet when she’ll utter: “Selena, you’re human” or “Selena, you’re being way too hard on yourself”. But doesn’t it just feel grim when you get it wrong, miss the mark or when you let someone you love down. Or worst of all, let yourself down. Don’t ya just hate it!
Being punished or disapproved of for getting it wrong is wired into our belief system from an early age. Are we just picking up from where our parents and teachers left off? Did the punishment we received as little girls leave us devoid of self-love and patience for ourselves? I once challenged a young female writer who was giving herself a thumping about her blog not being “excellent enough”. “Why are you being so hard on yourself?” I enquired. She replied: “I am an over-achiever, which means that if I’m not beating myself up about my writing, it will just be something else”. Her response unnerved me because whose standard was she measuring herself against, and is this standard even achievable? Maybe it’s time to exchange this tendency to be way too hard with a little more self-love and compassion. Maybe, it really is time to stop being so hard on ourselves. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live under the evil regime of unachievable standards or unrealistic expectations of myself and give myself a beating when I fail to meet the grade.
It's hardly the end of the world if I don't manage to cross off every task on my things-to-do list, or eat the recommended five-a-day of fruit and veg.
In an interview this week for The Sunday Times Style magazine, Sarah Jessica Parker said: "Things-to-do lists don’t work for humans, we are more complicated than that." She has a point about us being complicated but I love writing lists. I mean, they do work for some humans, don't they?
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